Oh, fear. Oh, self-defeating fear.

I’m going though a period of my life in which my self-esteem is lower than it has ever been. I struggle tremendously with feelings of unworthiness. Sigh. 😦

I’m in graduate school right now,  pursuing a Master’s degree in social work. As part of the degree we have to do two practicums, or internships. I’m having this fear that I won’t get any of the placement sites to allow me to do my practicum with them. They won’t like me because I’m fat, or because my personality isn’t bubbly–these are the things I’m telling myself.

But all this self-doubt is just holding me back from doing the work I have to do secure a site–creating a self-fulfilling prophecy! 

In reality, of course I will find a site. Right? 

I mean, I will, won’t I???

(I guess I’m still a bit self-doubtful).

Still, I *do* know that I’m capable of sending e-mails, making calls, filling out applications, meeting with the College of Social Work field placement advisor. And considering these are the very things I’ll have to get done in order to secure a placement, I’d better stop letting doubt get in my way of doing them.

Sigh. Why am I so stressed about this? It’s kind of like getting a job. Sure, that’s stressful enough. But I finally, in my mid-thirties, figured out what I want to do with my life, and began pursuing it, and I guess I’m terrified that two years in I’ll fail. It seems everyone my age already has a career. All I’ve got are a string of low-paying jobs. In order to see myself as having worth in regards to my career life, I need to succeed at this.


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